The loss of people you love is part of life but that doesn't make it easier to deal with.
Its coming to that time of year again when subconsciously i start thinking about my mum more and more. All i have to do is turn on the radio or the T.V or look out the window to see, hear and feel things that remind me of her and how great a woman she was.
It may sound terrible but i cant even remember how long ago it was that she passed but i am inclined to say nearly 4 years. The reason for this was then when she passed it hit me hard, hard to the point where i actually think that my mind has wiped a part of my life from my memory, almost like it wiped out that horrible time because i didn't want to remember her in that way. I didn't and dont want to remember her lying in a hospital bed delerious and beaten by illness that had plagued her for so long. I want to remember her as the strong , charismatic, loving, selfless person she was and always will be to me.But looking back on it that time will forever be stamped in my memory and it's my conscious that is trying to keep it out!
I remember getting a call at work from Jan who was mums closest friend saying that i should "get to hospital as your mum isn't well!" and i thought to myself she will be ok ,i only saw her yesterday(in hospital) and we were joking about as per usual, but inside i somehow knew she was in a bad way as Jan doesn't panic without there being good reason. When i got off the phone to Jan i called my girlfriend to get me and take me to the hospital. Even on the drive down there i just kept saying to myself " we were joking around yesterday about her and her rantings, she was fine! " and only now do i see that what eventually killed her was already taking effect then.. I sometimes think back to that day and think "if only" ! If only i had flagged up her strange behaviour then maybe she would still be with us today?! But that is wrong of me to think that ! I shouldn't harbor that grief and i certainly shouldn't be trying to make myself feel worse than anyone else.But naturally i feel that we all regret something when struck by such grief?! Weather it was that you thought you didn't see them enough or you said something you wish you hadn't we all do it to ourselves without thinking about it!
I remember the moment when i walked into the hospital room .. what felt like a moment and a lifetime all rolled into one ... i looked across at Jan who looked back at me with the widest eye's i had ever seen .. then i looked acorss to my sister Kate who was holding mum's hand with tears in her eyes not taking them off mum for a second... Before i had even looked at my strong , charismatic, loving, selfless mum i felt this crippling pain in my stomach that nearly took me to the floor. My eyes filled up so much with tears that when i tried to look at her i couldn't even see her.. i just knew that even though she was still alive that this was it and that this time we wouldn't be taking mum home , that i wouldn't ever play crib with her or laugh with her again, i knew in my heart of hearts and that broke my heart a million times over and then broke it again and again and again.
When my eyes eventually cleared my fears were confirmed! I dont want to descibe how she looked in to much detail as it upsets me as much today as it did then, but i will say that I saw the bravest person i know reduced to a shadow of the woman she was, is and always will be in my eyes. But just like i knew she would as she is definatly no quitter she hung in there( and i wonder where me and kate get our stubborn streak from). My aunties and uncles came down the next day to see her from Peterborough and when they saw her they looked like i felt when i first saw her! Mum was the one in the family who kept them together so for them especially for uncle Gary it must of been hard seeing her like that. With the rest of the family there to keep watch me and kate took this time to go and get some food and a coffee and to be honest to get some mental rest. But when i came back after a few hours there seemed to be a buzz from the room, which i couldn't understand. But when i came in Uncles Gary was holding mum's hand saying "Hi Diane" and my mum was looking at him and i could see she knew who he was... and what happened next i didn't expect at all .. She looked at me almost into me and said " love you". I couldn't tell you how this made me feel?! as i didn't and still dont know. I just cried and held her ,told her i loved her and just held her as tight as i could i didn't want to let go and i could of held her forever if it had meant not losing her, Just held her forever and not said a word.... That moment will live with me for as long as i am walking the earth , it will live with me as a moment,one of many where my mum told me she loved me, but also within that she was telling me that this would be the last time she would utter those words to me. I knew it ... i could see it in her eyes, this was her final goodbye to me, my sister and the rest of my family... But along with her brief coherance came a fools false hope.. i couldn't help but think to myself " maybe she will actually pull through this" "maybe she will survive" !I knew it was wrong but i couldn't help but ask myself those questions .. that after days and days of complete and utter sadness and endless crying maybe , just maybe , she might just pull through?!But as her coherence wained, my heart and hope completely dissapeared! almost to the point where i could't feel anything, all of my physical senses seemed to shut down as well as my emotional ones . I was exshausted beyond measure , me and my sister had given everything to grief and so much so that i didn't think i had anything left apart from a numbness , a numbness that came with the knowing that we were just waiting for mum to die ..
Me and Kate made the desicion with the doctor to stop all treatment as we didn't want her to survive this nightmare to then be faced with brain damage and near complete physical disfunction. The desicion was easy to make when looking at it like this but still upsetting. We left the office and held each other in a moment of acceptance and sorrow.
Mum after a few more days she passed from encephalitis and i couldn't for the life of me shake that time in the hospital. It was all i could think about and i didn't want my memories of her to be these ones. I wanted them to be of all the fun we had as a family. All of the amazing Christmas's we had when we would start drinking to early and end up dancing on tables whilst letting our dinner cook a little longer than it should, the times we would play board games together and how stupidly competetive it used to get , and even more inportantly the little things. It must have taken me the best part of 2 years for me to get the memories back and push back that time in the hospital. But even these memories hold a certain sadness , a sadness that you will never have these moments again! But i must say that they now carry far more joy than sadness .. a joy that i was lucky enough to have those moments in time.. when you have such a strong bond with people you will always have ups and downs and as a family we certainly had our's but from my memories we certainly had more fun than sadness and that comforts me no end.
It would be a crime to not mention my girlfriend and how amazing she was through this time and even more so today . I really am a lucky bloke having her in my life.
Just to finish off i thought i would add in a poem i wrote maybe only a month after mum had passed but i was only able to add the last paragraph sometime earlier this year.
Painful Remembering
To have loved someone unconditionally is a gift.
Then to lose that person so dear is a pain you will never entirely shift.
I remember the last time we laughed together.
It was in the hospital where she eventually laid to rest
The rest of my life from that moment
Was to then to become a reminding test
I am not talking about the thought of her passing
Rather the thought of never laughing, talking or just being in her presents again
To never see her smile or beat me at crib,
The more I remember the more I feel this pain.
Some people say that you should remember the good times
But when I do this brings a smile along with a tear
It’s horrible to think that I cant utter the words
That you’re the one I hold most dear.
You will always be the best part of me
You gave me the best start and education in life
You will always be with me
In this and the afterlife.
I will always miss and remember you mum
No matter how much its hurts, I won’t surrender.
Cause the happiness I feel when I do
Is worth the pain I go through to remember.
All of my love
Your Son
xxx
Mum and Kate on Kate's 21st
