Monday, 28 May 2012

The Cunt Translator.

Hi there guys! This post is to show you certain ways you can use the word cunt properly in todays society. Many think that the word is taboo but hopefully this post will show you how and when to use it so it can be fun for all the family.


cunt [kĘŚnt]
n Taboo
1. the female genitals
2. Offensive slang a woman considered sexually
3. Offensive slang a mean or obnoxious person
[of Germanic origin; related to Old Norse kunta, Middle Low German kunte]
Usage: Although there has been some relaxation of the taboo against using words such as fuck in conversation and print, the use of cunt is still not considered acceptable by most people outside very limited social contexts. Though originally a racily descriptive word in Middle English, it has been taboo for many centuries and continues to be so................ Bollocks cunt!

"Alright cunt?"
Greeting similar to Hello Cunt!, Hi cunt!, How you doing cunt?

This said in a gentle way with a smile on my face is friendly ... in fact if i am saying this to you its only friendly as if i was being unfriendly i wouldn't be using the word ,Alright! Capish?.

When to use / can use: Pretty self explanatory really. This is a friendly greeting used all over the world and is acceptable at anything from bar mitzvahs to gang bangs. So go for your life with this one!


"Fuck off you cunt!"
Similar to Bollocks cunt, Fuck off cunt/twat/dickhead/tosser/Gary Neville/Seal.

This is one of those when you have to really consider the tone and manner of which its said carefully.

Exhibit 1

Lets say your in the pub, family meal or appearing on family fortunes and some smart arsed friend or family member is taking the piss out of you for the time you got caught wanking off to manga movie (whether this be true or a false accusation by the smart arse the use of this phrase is perfect for this situation) So this is non offensive  use and it gets the green light. 

Exhibit 2

Said in an aggressive way this means business! So either finish your pint or just launch it straight into the verbal offenders face fully loaded! remember first in best dressed!! Re below (minus glassing)

So this usage must be limited to when you want to potentially fuck someone up but again this could still be used in almost every venue/celebration/occasion you saw fit to fuck someone up.

"I think you are a cunt!"
 Statement like "I think your fat/ugly/boss eyed", "I think your still a virgin because you have no sexual organs" ,"I think that if we shared you into 4 equal parts you would still be fat but there would be 4 of you!"

Again with this one its very similar to the above.

Exhibit 1

Sat having coffee with your Nan in Starbucks and you are telling her about how you have just split up with your misses, your heart broken and you want to know what it is about you that women dont like and then Nan (like they always do) Gives it to you straight!! " I think the thing they don't like about you lovey is the fact your a bit of a cunt!" . God bless the old soul hey?! Now with this use again its absolutely fine because for

1) Its your Nan and she can say what ever she wants as she was probably shot during the war!

2) I don't know whether you noticed? but it was said with love. Did you notice the fact that she popped the word lovey in there? and only really said that he was a BIT of a cunt not a complete cunt?

See the sentence at the top is in its purest form and very to the point. But with a couple of other words added in, that sentence can be softened or spiced up no end.

Exhibit 2

Its 9:30 am and your having a beer and a bacon sandwich for breakfast in a Mosque when some dress wearing gentleman come's up to you and says with a stern and raised voice whilst wagging a finger at you "I think your a cunt!".

Now this scenario is the opposite to the above. Its a show of aggression for sure for many reasons. For

1) The use of the stern tone and finger wagging

2)Who disturbs a man drinking a beer and eating a bacon sarney for breakfast whilst still in their dressing gown?.

Again this one is very similar as the above but i personally would never condone such filthy language in a place of worship. Even if i do think religion i generally a lot of bollocks!

I hope that this has been educational for you all? If not then you can "Fuck you, you bunch of cunts :)!"

See how i used "bunch of cunts" rather than directing it at any of you in particular? That along with the use of the smiley face means that this is friendly. See you did learn something!

Now Fuck off! 


Tuesday, 22 May 2012

You dont get the Seal of approval!

Most of them are fluffy and i would even go as far to say they are quite cute but this one is a smug, annoying twat!!!

                                                I couldn't hate this bloke more even if i tried!

I am trying to think where to start with this one but just looking at this toss pots face is making my brain just go AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH JUST FUCK OFF WITH YOUR SMARMY , PITT FILLED FACE!!!.

The Australian version of the voice has been going a few weeks now and the producers of the show thought it would be a good idea to get Seal as one of the judges! Australia are a little bit behind the rest of the world and i think his song Kiss from a Rose has just been released here or something like that? So he seems to be a pretty big star over here?! But then again so are Mel B and Brian Mcfadden... You know... The black one from the spice girls and that bloke who was in West Life who was porking that annoying, fat druggy bird who was in Atomic Kitten?!.. Thought you did!    

He along with Delta Goodrum ,Keith Nicole Kidmans husband and some yank from Good Charlotte are deciding the hopes and dreams of failed singers (Its a lot like X factor just without the best bits with the shite singers).

Everything about the show is annoying really but Seal is by far and away the single most annoying thing on the planet! Please watch this clip.

I know what you thinking.... What a cunt....Am i right???? I knew i was !!! I have also found that even though he does talk he doesn't actually say anything that actually mean anything. Try this on for size this was said when he was mentoring talking complete bollocks to one of his performers. He of course is saying it in a very patronising, slow meaningful way  "What you. Have GOT to do, is tame the beast. Then you have got to release it and kill everyone in the room!!! Thats your power, Thats your destiny!!".

You know what Seal me old Mucka? I know exactly what you mean!! but i was thinking more of taming the beast and then riding the beast right up your arse as that is where you seem to be going , then getting the beast to bite off your giant pan hands and then slapping the shit out of your smug face with them!! How does that sound??

Thursday, 19 April 2012

The Fragility of life

Maybe its because i am now old that i am becoming more sentimental? or maybe my man boobs are producing more estrogen? Who Knows? but i just read that someone who's blog i follow has just passed and it has genuinely upset me.

Vicky or as i knew her better Whitewave92 has lost her battle with a tumor and at such a young age its heart breaking.Well its heart breaking at whatever age life is lost but i guess more shocking and hits home the message of mortality a lot harder.

If i was to say i knew her i would be lying, as i never had the pleasure of speaking to her outside of the bloggesphere. But having read all of her posts i feel that i got a good measure of the girl and a glimpse of what she was going through even though i will never really know if you know what i am saying ?

I also think that rather than any one become sad over what has happened to her she would prefer everyone to take life by the balls, as lets face it.. life will always be to short! Even if not to short for the person that has passed but the people who mourn that person.

Mortality is a scary thing and to lose someone is horrible but i agree with how i think Vicky would feel and that is live life to the full, laugh and feel as much as you can and drink and swear brikie !

Rest in peace young lady X 

Monday, 16 April 2012

Officially Fucked !

Its been a while since i last wrote up a post and i now know why !! I has been threaterning to happen for nearly 30 years and yesterday it actually did fecking happen .... I hit the big 30 !

I woke up with a massive hangover and my girlfriend rebuffed my advances of a bit morning/alcohol breath love making ( she did this by running to the toilet to be sick ). So to say my day got off the a flyer would be a complete load of bollocks!

In the build up to this milestone i have got to admit that it did get me thinking about my life and what i am doing and what i have a achieved if anything and if am i happy with my life so far? All pretty big stuff epecially for me ! This was all brought on when i read a book written by Danny Wallace called "Friends like these" . I think the bloke is a genuis and if you havent read his book called "yes man" Yet then you should go out right now and buy or steal it as it is amazing . Anyway back to what ever i was going on about ( Old age creeping in ). This book is about a man who is about to turn 30 and reaslises that old age has crept into his life without him even knowing it . In such way like buying display cushions , eating cracked black pepper and sea salt kettle chip rather than wotsists and that sort of shit.

He is then given a box of old stuff by his Mum and it is full of pictures and more importantly an address book that has names of all his old friends who he has lost touch with over the years ( as you do ) so he decides to go galavanting all around the world finding his old friends and getting back in touch.

He is very lucky as he seems to have friends all over the world and the money to afford flights everywhere willy nilly which adds a bit spice and makes the book very glamrous. I then built this fantasy in my head that i could do a similar adventure and go and see all my old mate who i have lost touch with!!! I was Buzzing , thinking i could go to LA , Germany , anywhere my old forgotten friends would be and when we met again we could talk about the fun stuff like that time i picked my nose til it blead in assembly and all of that cobblers.

                                  Plenty of Ammo please as i dont want any survivors , Thanks !

But after a while i realised that i still kept in touch with all of my old friends and as much fun as i would have in seeing them it would be less of LA, Paris and Rio and more of Evesham, Pershore and Scunthorpe. I was a bit down that my adventure was cut short so i then started thinking about who i was ? The Man boy i am today ? I did this after having just had an evening and drinking beer in my flat ( because the pubs are to noisy and play awful pop music ) with my misses and hosemates and had just watched The Voice and dancing with the stars and i realised that as i have grown up i have changed from the nice, polite, tolerant people person i once was into and intolerant arsehole!!!! But then again if you have watched the voice and the judges dont make you want to buy an oozie and let off some steam then you must be a bit of a cunt!

Anyway back to... the.. point .. if i really have one at all ? How do i feel about being 30 ? I fucking love it !!! After having had a lot of people turn up to celebrate my 30 whilst i am in a foreign country was amazing and i am lucky to have good friends and both my testicles still in tact and as for being becoming more miserable as i get older that isnt really something that bothers me as such but more other people! I am glad that i am not a kid anymore after hearing 2 little teenage knob heads talking on the train the other day about how that when you like buy a cap now, innit, U gotta leave the sticker or it int really reel innit?!

Is that even English ? I dont fucking think so ! 

Monday, 5 March 2012

Mummy, mummy I want one!!!

I seem to have lost my Blogging Mojo a bit and am about half way through a few posts so i thought i would pop this on just for a bit of fun as i bloody loves it !

I can actually visualise a bunch of  tourette-ers-ists marching the streets cunting it.



Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Next month i will write the best post you will ever read ..... fact !

Right then, i am having to much fun being ripped off by short people with slitty eyes to write a proper post so next month i am going to be writing a master piece!

                                                                 100% genuine fake

Until then have fun and remember, go big or go home !