Monday, 31 October 2011

Go fuck yourself Great Britain!

Right the time is here ! I am offskiso and wont be blogging til Jan so i have a few words before i leave .....




                                                          ..........Pretty much what the Kid said !


I leave you with this ....................


And then this ..........


Big Love

Stupidstu

x

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

A day of narcissism!

A day in my life and you know what i found out ?.......... I am just as boring as every other twat !

So i got up this morning or should i say got woken up this morning by my young lady whilst she was getting ready for work . Mabs (my girlfriend) is certainly not a morning person, when she is getting ready for work she can create more carnage than the Kraken and make more noise than Death punk Metal band ! So i woke from my slumber and i was pretty pissed off which didn't help with my negotiation with the misses about getting a cuppa brought to me in bed ! So i got my old ass out of bed made MYSELF a brew and sat and watched Fraiser an channel 4. Hes the Jolly Balding fella who was a bit part on Cheers and his show is being given the friends treatment and being repeated over and over and over again until it gets to the point where you want to either ......

A) Kill everyone who ever had anything to do with the show

B) Kill yourself 

After booking flights to America and getting myself on Fraiser and Freind's tours ( option A ) i then went to work. 

Me and my Girlfriend are off on a travelling trip of a lifetime in a couple of days and lets just say my head is not "in the game" at work . I am gayfully strolling around work with my head already on a beach drinking Buckets in Asia ! and this isn't always a good thing when you are dealing with thousonds of pounds of other peoples money! But to put it bluntly i dont give a shit !"

                         Fuck off mate ! I couldn't give a shit about you , my brain is on the beach!


After a day of floating around at work i went home and had curly fries, cheese and beans and sat and watched Battle for L.A which to make this entry a bit more exciting i am going to review



Story line 

Well its about a Bloke who is a marine ( he is a classic American hero been in a lot of battles, has lost a lot of men in a bad last mission sort of shit) and is a bit old so is due to leave the force and retire and fish until he dies (Thats not in the film) .BUT !! aliens invade earth ( for what reason we are not 100% sure but there is a loose tie in with them wanting all of the earths water !) Hence the Bloke gets called back into action and must help lead a team of maries ( full of all of the usual chracatures a fresh out of collage lieutenant who has never seen battle before, a funny one, a crazy one and one who's brother got killed whilst the main bloke was in charge of his platoon and has a chip on his shoulder) firstly to a Police station to save civilions and then after that...save the world .

Acting / writing / dialog

Where to start with this i really dont know . Its terrible ...in fact i feel that this is actually worse than what we saw in Independance Day! You heard me right ! Its cheesier and even more wooden ( please leave out any thoughts of cheesy wood as that is a bit wrong).  I would pickout a scene but there are almost to many to even refere to without feeling bad for leaving another one out. My Favorite line in the movie though has got to be the scene were the main bloke has dragged a half dead alien into a warehouse and they are looking into the best way to kill it and one of the civlians goes up to him and spouts out " Can i help? I am a veterinarian!" . Absolute gold !

Overall rating  1 out of  5

If you took out the bad acting, screen play , special effects , poor storyline and weak cast you wouldn't have a film left at all . I on occasion like bad films (B movies) but this one is far to bad and had far to big a budget for me to even entertain liking it ! Its is not quite as bad as Alone in the Dark but then again what is ? but it is without doubt one of the worst films i have ever seen in my life .



Ratings

1- Kill me right now   2- I would rather sleep with Heather from Eastenders   3- Not shit   4- Mike strutters strutter bubble    5- The dogs knob  

Please click on the Not shit ( above) and watch it as i dont think i have ever laughed so much / been so disturbed in a long time.

Then after that i went to bed and fell asleep and woke up a couple of times to go to the toilet FML i am getting old!


Friday, 21 October 2011

Fun Police

Well i was in the virtual coffee shop the other day as i was bored out of my small mind when i posted a question i thought would be fun! Mildly offensive yet fun!  But someone (The fun police) didn't!


Right i will build the picture a little .................................

So i am off travelling the world for 3 years in November ( i feel the need to constantly tell everyone this fact) and i am in the last week at work pretty much( as above ), and as the Manager at work i have wangled it so i have nothing to do. So apart from support my fellow team when they need me i am either surfing the net or talking to my best mate in Australia on the phone about how drunk we are going to get when i get there ( On the work phone of course ) .

Whilst surfing the net for a while i thought i would pop my head into the coffee shop and see what the youth of today were talking about ? To be honest most of the times i go in there the conversation is Miserable as fuck deep or shit about fashion ! People asking questions such as ..

                                                       Does anyone just talk about their life?


                                              Is it fair to look prostitute as a bad woman only?


                                                                         "Let Women Die" Act

                                                               United States Of Child-Abuse



  Im adopted and Im greatful are you? lets talk Ive got things to get off my chest, how bout you?


                                           Blogs sharing personal experiences with depression


                                                                  Tell me your thoughts on God

Right i know that a lot of young people and some of us old ones go in there to get shit off your chest which is great, but it all seems a little much ! I mean is the youth of today that down in the dumps and desperate to know answers and opinions on stuff like child abuse and thoughts about God? If so i am glad i am not young anymore that is for sure ! When i was young it was all about setting fire to bins,getting pissed and fingering girls in the park or anywhere for that matter( not much has changed really).

Anyway back to the point (of which is shit but hey i am bored) I decided to post the question ..............


As i have seen that a lot of people are nice and want to tell people what is good about their blog and people flock to these things like gypsies to scrap metal i thought i would go with....Want to know what is shit about your blog ?

I asked this question as i thought it would lighten the mood a little and be funny to rip on people, have the same back and hopefully get a bit of abusive, stupid fun on the go. Some people got involved and i thought here we go this might actually entertain me for a while and then all of a sudden whilst trying to post a comment it started telling me there was some sort of error ?? I thought at first that the page might of crashed because everyone in there wanted to know what i thought was shit about there blog .. I was getting excited about abusing people left right and centre and people thinking that i was hilarious and we could all laugh together at my witty anecdotes about how shit your font, content and take on life is and stuff like that !!

Well my fantasy of being the most popular person in the coffee shop was suddenly shattered when i looked at the top of the screen and it said "Another discussion address this question"! then i started thinking " wow there are 2 of us highly funny people in the coffee shop at the same time talking about the same shit ! Yes " . So i go back in there to have a look as see if i can find this fantastic individual, but can I? .......can i bollocks ! But whilst looking for him i notice that my question has now been moved into some obscure room where i think the last post was back 2009 ! And then it hits me !! Bloody wanky That very sharp mediator deems this inappropriate and has moved me away from everyone else like i had leprosy or something ! Cheeky bastard ! I tried the process several times and again and again the same thing happened ! Even when i softened the question to "Want to know what is pants about your blog?( Revised question as to not upset the fun police) ".

I would and should now fly off into a rant about Bigbrother (not the shitty programme) but then this blog would go on forever but i will say that THEY are everywhere and by they i mean the fun police/ pc brigade/ goverment/ nosey bastards!  It was once again bought to my attention with this whole baby smaking debate that is going on at the moment and i dont even have a child and it getting on my tits. !!! Right i am going to shut up now !

If the fun police are reading this then i would like to congratulate them on doing such a thorough job and keeping knobs like me away from normal society !




















Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Would you jump into a cage with a fucked off lion?

Well if you read my blog please get a hobbie then you will know that a while ago i wrote a blog on the Gypos on Dale farm.

This morning the police have run in there like rioters in Tottenham! I can tell you something for nothing, it would probably take me a lot more than just wearing a helmet, holding a big shield and being pumped up on cocaine( lets face it all coppers do it ) to be running into the largest gypsie site in the country !! Maybe if i had a chain gun with infinate ammo and a forcefield around me that made me invincible would i even think about it . Not because i want to kill them but because Gypos in general are hard people. They are brought up to fight from a young age and if they are like any of the ones i know they will tear through those riot shields like paper!


                                                            You wanna fight? No thanks!! 

The only reason i would like to be there would be for the comedy of hearing the gypo's offering to fight the police officers for their bootlaces , dog nuts ( doughnuts to you and me ) and threating them with "I'll set me Jook on ya"(dog)!



Maybe the gypsies will play it nice and instead of resorting to just kicking the shit out of the police they may play them at cards, shove halfpenny or dommies first ....to see if they beat the shit out of them or just gentley beat them ?. Who knows what will go on there today but i think that it is safe to say that these people wont give up their homes easily and how can you blame them?! Would you ?, would I? I think not !

No police officers were hurt in the writing of this blog but there will certainly be a few hurt today at Dale farm!



Friday, 14 October 2011

Book Club

And here is my book of the week ! Written by a literary genius! I have no idea what its about but i have this gut feeling i am going to like it!! it's an absolute must have .. Get involved !


                                                               Stocking filler ? You bet your arse !

Thursday, 13 October 2011

My work

I have been working in branding now for about a year and as i am about to leave my job / country soon i thought i would share with you lot some of the best branding exercises i have come across to date ! Well they make me laugh anyway !

                 I would love to know if anyone took their child in there to swap it or to "change" it ?


                               It's the leaning in of the adult figure i think that makes it wrong !

                                                  A safe place for people to molest you ?


                                                  Asians are the best at getting it wrong !


  Research is everything! In Spanish the translation of Pajero means wanker !( Cheers Fozzy)




                                            Expect a bumpy ride if these guys succeed !



                      Me in Singapore and yes i know its terrible but at the time 3/4 lenghts were in !

Oh how i wish i had contributed to the world of branding like these guys have but unfortunatley i am not THAT stupid ! They are at the point of being so bad that it doesn't matter as they are memorable and if you strip back this bullshit business that is what it is all about !

                                             Now a little 1 good ,1 complete an utter shite

                                                                        Good
                                                                         




                                                                    Utter Shite!
                                                               Fuck off and die Bruno !

Tuesday, 11 October 2011

One has won an award !

Someone, probably of questionable sanity has decided to be kind and give me an award for my blog !



I would like to thank Dirty Cowgirl for this award but i would also like her to ask herself a question ?! Do you not have anything better to do? as lets face it my blog is badly written and full of shite!.

The other 2 newish blogs that she nominated are a lot better than mine and if you find mine even slightly entertaining i suggest that you give these guys a bit of your time as they are really good! they are ...

Vice Versa
One Angry man

Now i am supposed to give you 3 facts about myself and then spread the love/herpes/aids what ever you wnat to call it to seven other "lucky" people but the fact of the matter is i dont know who to bestow this award to ?

I would give one to Dirty Cowgirl ;) but she has already given me one;0 ! Its all very confusing!

I would actually like to give an award to Whitewave92  she deserves more than a blog award but this is all i can give her ! Check her out, she is a good egg but like all women she does go on :) ! 

The rest, if ever, will be dished out later !

Now for 3 random facts about me? Its difficult because i am not really that random/crazy so prepared to be bored!  People seem to have been using other languages to number shit so i am going to play along with this and i choose swahili....

Moja - I ran through a plate glass window and had to have 17 stitches put into my head. ( explains a lot i know).



Mbili - My middle name is Thomas
 
Tatu - My little toe is a lot smaller than the rest and doesn't bend ! But i was born in worcestershire so i am just lucky they are not webbed!  


Finally i would like to thank DCG again for the award! 

Monday, 10 October 2011

Inspirational quote of the day

Quite simply that !

                      Simple yet effective message and now my new work screen saver !


Tuesday, 4 October 2011

8 things that really burn my grits !

It would / should be 10 things but i felt if i went for 10 then i would have ended up with 20. But then again it is probably 9 but not liking Chris Akabusi just because of his "Allllwwiiiiiiiiiiitte" wasn't enough to make the grade ( but it does really annoy me) !

1) Slow walking and or dithering people

                                                      haawww heee haaww

Since i moved to London i gained this hatred ! These people who are just pottering about unpredictably in front of you whilst your trying to get to that unimportant thingy or place you are meant to be in no particular hurry ! I know that to some people it may sound like i am being unreasonable... these people can also fuck off ( quickly in a non dithering manner)  ! There is something about being stuck behind a a load of french tourists who have no idea of what is going on around them ( and with them being French they probably dont care) that gets my goat no end ! Oh how i would like to insert that French stick where the sun dont shine!


2) Chavs



                  Look over your shoulder if you have been on the Jeremy Kyle show!

We have all come across the little bastards before of that i am sure! They are the ones who play music through their mobile phones on the bus with their mate , they are the ones that ask you "what your looking at" when all your doing is minding your own business . Now then .... at the weekend i went to the park with friends to drink cider and enjoy the last of the sun and by us some chavs were playing football  , there were a few near misses and then the ball came over a hit me in the back. I turned round and threw the ball back to him and this little prick didn't

A) Apologise
B) Say thank you for me throwing the ball back

To say that this pissed me off is one of the biggest understatments i will ever make! When i was growing up i was a little bastard but i was always apologetic and polite when i should be, this chav punk is exactly that. So when the ball came over again and i then just held the ball and didn't throw it back he desides that now is the time to converse with me " oi throw me my fucking ball back dick head " . At this stage i am smiling and say "of course dick head" so i then launch the ball as far as i can into the middle of the near by lake which to my satisfaction is a good 75m in and well out of their reach !.

He and his chums then come over to give me the news that they aren't very impressed with my antics and they wish fisty cuff's to commence! But the thing with these little annoyences is that when you dont just roll over they dispurse like flys from a cow pat ! So after confronting several chavs and winning mearly by challenging them i then run off change my under crackers and bask in my glory as the now self named " Chav Terminator".

3) X Factor contestants 

      
I am like 16 and i haven't won the x factor yet !! Feel sorry for me and my difficult life!



I am lucky enough to have a girlfriend but i am unlucky in the way that she fecking loves X factor ! Now i dont mind everything about it .... I think i might not mind the adverts inbetween, but what really get's on my bristols are the contestants.. I hate the way that they all cry all the fecking time and the way they all have a "story" Like i am singing this song for my little brothers , best mates 2nd cousin's mum who stubbed her toe the other day !!!!!!!! AAARRRRRGGGGGGGG ! Like i give a fuck about you and how you got a C in R.E gcse (I know to many acronyms) and you wanted to prove to the world you not a failure ! The show would only be good if at the end they could all lose , all cry together whilst in the knowledge that their little brothers , best mates 2nd cousin's mum who stubbed her toe actually lost her nail. Harsh i know !



4) Jeremy Kyle 


Where to start with this one really ? .................. Oh i know , the man himself ! This is a man who , day to day pops out with " you'll be quiet , its my name above your head, its my show and you WILL listen to what i have to say " and this is when he is in Mcdonalds trying to order a Nugget meal and the poor employee only asked if he wanted to go large for an extra 20p?! . This is a man who started off as car salesman and became so inflated by his amazingness and ability to talk complete and utter bollcks , managed to dupe radio chiefs into giving him airtime and now he is shouting  (giving it to them straight as he calls it) at the dregs of society ( of this i am more envious ) on T.v . Surely the rest of society should be doing all they can to stop an idiot giving "advice" to other idiots ?! The only thing that comforts me is that the King of the Idiots is heading over to the States and there he will be surrounded by his own kind and he will hopefully NEVER come back ! 

5) Moves Like Jagger song by Maroon 5



The whole thing fucks me off ( apart from Mick Jagger ) from the song itself, the band who toured with the same album for 7 years and especially that toss pot of a lead singer with his shit tattoos ! FUCK OFF and die Marron 5 ,stop wasting air/time ! 

6) Wheely Baggage ( and their carriers ) 



       
It may look sweet but it is actually a ( C )aravan's ( U )ngodly ( N )ew ( T )outure Bag!

They are handy , easy to use and.... incredably annoying ! The number of times these things have cut me up and/or ran over my feet is to many to mention ! And what is even more irritating is the drivers of these satan bags dont really give two fucks if they have just broken your toe! in fact, they are quite smug in the knowledge that it is their god given right to do so as an owner of a satan bag! I think of these things like a human version of the Caravan, but with more, i couldn't give a fuck who i piss off air about them ! But dont despair just yet their is action we can all take !!! The next time one runs/ cuts you up, all you have to do is give it the old Jonny Wilkinson and launch that bag as far as you can !! A word of warning though don't kick them if you are in bare feet as you may break your foot and look like a twat ! In this instance all you have to do is literally stand on them, and with any luck you will break the handle and hopefully the carriers arm!



7) People who put their life story as their Facebook status

                                                     Caleb always was a card !

I am a little wary of putting this up as i know that there is a serious side to this but what the hell !! I know your going through a hard time and honestly i really do feel for you ... really i do ... but do you really think that it is appropiate or even of interest to tell everyone that you want to cut / kill yourself through your FB status ??!! I mean all you really look like is a sad twat who wants attention as well all know your not actually going to do anything ! I had 2 FB friends who constantly did this and i eventually kicked them because my feeling sorry for them morphed into embarrasment, then into rage and i felt that my rage partnered with their constant need for attention would have been a bit like putting Osama Bin larden in a room full of american patriots ( not good either way ) !  If you have problem see a fecking councilor.    

8) Gobby Yids and Mancs

1 word ....Wankers,cunts,bastards! The choice is yours! (Click to read as i have already written a piece on this)


If i you have made it this far you must be either very bored with life or full of hate ! I think you deserve a pint either way and whilst you are there i feel you should contemplate life ! 

Friday, 30 September 2011

Special KKK

This subject has been popping up in conversation a lot recently on the web and in real life so fuck it ...... I am going to talk about one of the things you shouldn't bring up at a dinner party .......

This Morning i got into work and i was having breakfast when i was asked by a colleague if i had any good jokes?? Then i remembered a joke i read on here by DCG ( reference ) and i thought fuck it , it made me laugh and the colleage in question is a good bloke and we rip on each other a lot ! ( let's call him Ronald or Ron for short ) so i told it .............


"What do Nike, Addidas , Reebok and the KKK all have in common ? ....... They all make black people run like the clappers!"  BOOM BOOM !

Now Ron Himself is a Black guy and is ghanaian  ( but he sounds more cockney than Dell boy )  and when i delivered the punch line he burst out laughing and then proceeded to call me a cunt !( You can probably see why we get on ). Anyway we were laughing about it and then someone went up to Ron said "good morning" and then had a chat that i could't hear and quite frankly i couldn't care less about. Then trundles over to me and says that i cant say things like that because it offeneds her because its racist! Right this bird if i am putting it bluntly is White,Welsh , fat and annoying! . She is stood there looking at me waiting for a reaction , whilst all i can do is try and comprehend what has happened !! Ron my mate, the ghanaian is fine , but i am offending HER?! (Ron in the mean time is laughing out of her line of sight and jesting at me ).. To be honest i apologised to HER and got on with my day and Ron thought it was funny to tell me how us white people are to up tight and should relax!  but this episode made me question "ism's" and when is crossing the line? and when is it just arseholes sticking their noses in?



                                               Ron after a morning full of "Banter" ! He loves it !


It makes me worried that people who stick their noses in "the P.C brigade" are going to have us ALL walking on egg shells!. I worry that i wont be able to call my mate a "fat bastard" just in case i offend someone who was listening in who once sat by a fat person on a bus but felt a connection with them ( even thought i am guessing that during the fateful bus journey the fat person was physically impeading on their seat?. Maybe the fat person secreated hormones through her skin and passed them to her?!!  let's be fair! How much do we really know about them? ) anyway what i am trying to say is that i worry that this banter may one day be taken away because we may hurt someone's feelings even if your not directing it at them!  Has the world gone mad !!! Try and put yourself in a world when you couldn't take the piss out of a friends short comming for fear of offeneding someone who should really be keeping their noses out!? Because lets face it ,we all poke fun at people ! Whats the difference between ripping on someone for getting drunk and making a complete tit out of themselves and taking the piss out of them being Bald, fat , smelling like a Hobo or being Cuban ?? I think if you boil it down enough its all the same thing in the end !


                                                     Pass me the butter !!!...... I'm hungry !


Personally i think its all in the context of what and how you are saying what ever you are saying ( unless you are calling someone  a "smelly pirate hooker" And then it personal and it's WAR !!!!!)

I think what i am trying to say apart from fat people take up more than 1 seat on a bus seat is .....................................................Keep your nose out of my business !

I would also like to say that i dont condone Bullying at all and that Ron has finally been promted to the KFC expert at our office! cause you know how all black people love fried chicken............. Just kidding ;)




 





Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Mabs Poems

She is My misses ( Lucky Girl ) and i am going to dedicate this page to poems about  her !


Mabs the bog monster 




Mabs was an awful beast,
On small children she did like to feast,
She gobbled them up,
Then a cuppa she’d sup,
Before eating 3 more at least!









Mabs the Cake fiend 


She loved eating cakes,
Spending time with her mummy,
Watching them rise,
Oohh they look so yummy!


She loved eating cake
As it brought her much joy
Now she’s eaten so much
She cant play with her toys


Now she loves eating cake
But only in bits,
As she eaten so much,
it gives her the shits.




I haven't died yet !
Thoughts of a dying man! 


Oh Katharine, Oh Katharine,
when will you be mine?
I see you at night,
But not all the time!

We hold hands on the beach,
It feels so real,
What I wouldn’t give to not dream this but feel!

When I sleep I am with you and I feel so high.
Then when I wake from my slumber,
I just want to die!


Oh Katharine, Oh Katharine
Why did you leave?
We once were together,
Now alone I can’t breath.

Why have you done this?
We were so great together
Now I have to face this nothingness,
Alone, forever!



More to come .........................................................................


Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Gypo's

If they dont get kicked out it will bite the do gooders sticking their nose in,  in the arse! Hopefully !

                                                     Is this chap as thick as i think he is ?
  
This story has divided public opinion and i really dont know why?! I certainly don't have to much gripe against gypsies as being from worcestershire you get to know one or two of them and even thought they are different they are like the rest of us as in some of them are sound , some alright and others are complete wankers. But what is going on at Dale farm is surely just a case of law breaking by the gypsies?

Some of the gypsies are claiming that this is somehow racist and others are claiming that this is a breach of their human rights ?! I am sorry but what a load of shit this all is ! Racism !!! surely how can it be racist if we are treating you like everyone else? You have broken the law with the growing of the site .. remember that we all need planning permission if we want to build on our own land? Human rights!! I am sorry but you gave these up when you broke the law!

Another thing i dont understand are these activists that are there that have concreted themselves to the site ? What the hell has it got to do with these people? They are out to protect the gypsies human rights?! Where do these people come from ? Has Green peace had a clear out ? do we have lots of hippes aimlessly walking the contryside looking for causes to fight ? Come on people let them fight their own battles .. Gypsies wont look at you differently, they wont thank you ! You will always be a non gypsie to them but if you get lucky you might be alright for a non gypsie! So please granny go home and take up crochet instead of a defensive position with you arm cast in concrete  inside a transit van!

Rant over !

No gypsies were hurt in the writing of this blog but if any read it i may well be !



Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Painful memories !

The loss of people you love is part of life but that doesn't make it easier to deal with.

Its coming to that time of year again when subconsciously i start thinking about my mum more and more. All i have to do is turn on the radio or the T.V or look out the window to see, hear and feel things that remind me of her and how great a woman she was.

It may sound terrible but i cant even remember how long ago it was that she passed but i am inclined to say nearly 4 years. The reason for this was then when she passed it hit me hard, hard to the point where i actually think that my mind has wiped a part of my life from my memory, almost like it wiped out that horrible time because i didn't want to remember her in that way. I didn't and dont want to remember her lying in a hospital bed delerious and beaten by illness that had plagued her for so long. I want to remember her as the strong , charismatic, loving, selfless person she was and always will be to me.But looking back on it that time will forever be stamped in my memory and it's my conscious that is trying to keep it out!

I remember getting a call at work from Jan who was mums closest friend saying that i should "get to hospital as your mum isn't well!" and i thought to myself she will be ok ,i only saw her yesterday(in hospital) and we were joking about as per usual, but inside i somehow knew she was in a bad way as Jan doesn't panic without there being good reason. When i got off the phone to Jan i called my girlfriend to get me and take me to the hospital. Even on the drive down there i just kept saying to myself " we were joking around yesterday about her and her rantings, she was fine! " and only now do i see that what eventually killed her was already taking effect then.. I sometimes think back to that day and think "if only" ! If only i had flagged up her strange behaviour then maybe she would still be with us today?! But that is wrong of me to think that ! I shouldn't harbor that grief and i certainly shouldn't be trying to make myself feel worse than anyone else.But naturally i feel that we all regret something when struck by such grief?! Weather it was that you thought you didn't see them enough or you said something you wish you hadn't we all do it to ourselves without thinking about it!

I remember the moment when i walked into the hospital room .. what felt like a moment and a lifetime all rolled into one ... i looked across at Jan who looked back at me with the widest eye's i had ever seen .. then i looked acorss to my sister Kate who was holding mum's hand with tears in her eyes not taking them off mum for a second... Before i had even looked at my strong , charismatic, loving, selfless mum i felt this crippling pain in my stomach that nearly took me to the floor.  My eyes filled up so much with tears that when i tried to look at her i couldn't even see her.. i just knew that even though she was still alive that this was it and that this time we wouldn't be taking mum home , that i wouldn't ever play crib with her or laugh with her again, i knew in my heart of hearts and that broke my heart a million times over and then broke it again and again and again.

When my eyes eventually cleared my fears were confirmed! I dont want to descibe how she looked in to much detail as it upsets me as much today as it did then, but i will say that I saw the bravest person i know reduced to a shadow of the woman she was, is and always will be in my eyes. But just like i knew she would as she is definatly no quitter she hung in there( and i wonder where me and kate get our stubborn streak from). My aunties and uncles came down the next day to see her from Peterborough and when they saw her they looked like i felt when i first saw her! Mum was the one in the family who kept them together so for them especially for uncle Gary it must of been hard seeing her like that. With the rest of the family there to keep watch me and kate took this time to go and get some food and a coffee and to be honest to get some mental rest. But when i came back after a few hours there seemed to be a buzz from the room, which i couldn't understand. But when i came in Uncles Gary was holding mum's hand saying "Hi Diane" and my mum was looking at him and i could see she knew who he was... and what happened next i didn't expect at all .. She looked at me almost into me and said " love you". I couldn't tell you how this made me feel?! as i didn't and still dont know. I just cried and held her ,told her i loved her and just held her as tight as i could i didn't want to let go and i could of held her forever if it had meant not losing her, Just held her forever and not said a word.... That moment will live with me for as long as i am walking the earth , it will live with me as a moment,one of many where my mum told me she loved me, but also within that she was telling me that this would be the last time she would utter those words to me. I knew it ... i could see it in her eyes, this was her final goodbye to me, my sister and the rest of my family... But along with her brief coherance came a fools false hope.. i couldn't help but think to myself " maybe she will actually pull through this" "maybe she will survive" !I knew it was wrong but i couldn't help but ask myself those questions .. that after days and days of complete and utter sadness and endless crying maybe , just maybe , she might just pull through?!But as her coherence wained, my heart and hope completely dissapeared! almost to the point where i could't feel anything, all of my physical senses seemed to shut down as well as my emotional ones . I was exshausted beyond measure , me and my sister had given everything to grief and so much so that i didn't think i had anything left apart from a numbness , a numbness that came with the knowing that we were just waiting for mum to die ..

Me and Kate  made the desicion with the doctor to stop all treatment as we didn't want her to survive this nightmare to then be faced with brain damage and near complete physical disfunction. The desicion was easy to make when looking at it like this but still upsetting. We left the office and held each other in a moment of acceptance and sorrow.

Mum after a few more days she passed from encephalitis and i couldn't for the life of me shake that time in the hospital. It was all i could think about and i didn't want my memories of her to be these ones. I wanted them to be of all the fun we had as a family. All of the amazing Christmas's we had when we would start drinking to early and end up dancing on tables whilst letting our dinner cook a little longer than it should, the times we would play board games together and how stupidly competetive it used to get , and even more inportantly the little things. It must have taken me the best part of 2 years for me to get the memories back and push back that time in the hospital. But even these memories hold a certain sadness , a sadness that you will never have these moments again! But i must say that they now carry far more joy than sadness .. a joy that i was lucky enough to have those moments in time.. when you have such a strong bond with people you will always have ups and downs and as a family we certainly had our's but from my memories we certainly had more fun than sadness and that comforts me no end.

It would be a crime to not mention my girlfriend and how amazing she was through this time and even more so today . I really am a lucky bloke having her in my life.

Just to finish off i thought i would add in a poem i wrote maybe only a month after mum had passed but i was only able to add the last paragraph sometime earlier this year. 




Painful Remembering

To have loved someone unconditionally is a gift.
Then to lose that person so dear is a pain you will never entirely shift.

I remember the last time we laughed together.
It was in the hospital where she eventually laid to rest
The rest of my life from that moment
Was to then to become a reminding test

I am not talking about the thought of her passing
Rather the thought of never laughing, talking or just being in her presents again
To never see her smile or beat me at crib,
The more I remember the more I feel this pain.

Some people say that you should remember the good times
But when I do this brings a smile along with a tear
It’s horrible to think that I cant utter the words
That you’re the one I hold most dear.

You will always be the best part of me
You gave me the best start and education in life
You will always be with me
In this and the afterlife.

I will always miss and remember you mum
No matter how much its hurts, I won’t surrender.
Cause the happiness I feel when I do
Is worth the pain I go through to remember.

All of my love

Your Son

xxx







                                                        Mum and Kate on Kate's 21st




















Friday, 2 September 2011

Two things i hate are gobby yids and Manc's !

I am a massive Arsenal fan so after the thrashing the other week and then this morning waking up to hear Gary fuckin Nevile spouting his "i love Manchester United" Bollocks again! It has prompted me to write this piece of literary wonder about the 2 biggest cunts from the 2 wankiest teams ! 

Case 1; Gary Fucking Neville 
                                                                         Gay much ?

It had been a great day the 2nd of Febuary this year when i went onto BBC sport and it's head line was "Gary cunt Neville has retired" ! I remember reading the article and thinking " thank fuck i dont have to see or hear from that manc bastard again" I was hoping that Sir Alex himself had done us all a favour and put him out of his misery cause lets face it .. i bet his constant Manchester united this, manchester united that, every day at training even got on the scots tits! Gary Neville even said himself recently when Danny Welbeck was substituted against the dirty Yids the other week " i went my entire career without getting a look like that off the boss" ( he was referring to the jubilant look Ferguson had on his face with regards to Welbeck performance. Unless ferguson just has a thing for young black men ?! ) . That comment goes to show that the man who Neville loved more than himself thought 2 things ..

1)That he never set the world on fire on the pitch !

2) He is a cunt!

I agree with Ferguson on both points ! This Rat tashed prick should do us all a favour and crawl back into his own arse hole and then go and fuck himself ! Below are the quotes from todays bbc sport about the England team ..

"Ferguson may have got more out of the squad," Vague much ?!

"But the reality is would we have beaten Spain in the last World Cup? No, because they were better than England." Nice one Nev !

"The analogy I use is if a man takes a woman out 85 times and then she's not your girlfriend at the end of it, you've wasted a lot of time". Wanker !

"Over the last 10 or 15 years, Spain, France, Italy, Portugal and Brazil have all been better than England." Stato !!

"We need more players of higher quality who can keep the ball." David Pleat Esq ?

 I mean come on!! ... I could have told you that AND my Analogy would have been better! Something along the lines of .." If you have shagged a bird 85 times and she is still shit in bed then dump her and then ask yourself the question... would you of had more fun by simply just having a wank?" Done .

Come and get me Sky sports !!!

Case 2; Garth Crooks
                                                                           Smug Prick

Garth Crooks and his general ability to be an utter knob are the reason i hate this ex yid cockend. He is constantly making ludicrous statements and pulling stupid smug faces ! His facial expression i hate the most is the one when he looks like he has just stolen candy from a homeless kid who has just sold his arse 5 times over for it ! The one he would pull if he was fingering a disabled person ! I am indeed talking about the above picture !!!

On top of his ridiculous facial expressions is his inane waffelling on BBC football focus ! I hate to think that i actually pay some of this cunts wages and all i get in return is him talking about what he bought at the shops yesterday afternoon! I sit there wishing there was something i could do?!.. maybe i could go to the bbc tower and blow it up ( just to make sure ) but then i think " what if somehow i fucked up the next series of spooks?" i love that show! so that fucks that up!.So there i am on a Saterday afternoon , resigned to sitting there in my undercrackers swearing at my T.V ( well that fat smug git ) with my misses looking at me in disgust saying to me " i dont know why you get so het up about him ? He is wearing a nice shirt after all!" and stuff like "calm down! its only a game!!" its safe to say that these comments don't help my mood and then its my turn to look at her in disgust whilst thinking !! "Is this woman next to me a closet Yid?", "would that smug bastard he have that smug look on my face whilst fingering MY misses? I bet he would!" and worse of all "does she actually like Garth Crook's shirt?"

I will leave it up to you which one of these wankers you actually hate more ! Let me know who you hate and why?!







 





Tuesday, 23 August 2011

And here was me thinking that pork and cider went well together !

Cider + Old friends = more laughing than you can shake a baby at !

A couple of weeks ago now i organised a bit of a catch up with a few of my old friends who in all fairness i had lost touch with ( as you do ) and decided that the Camera beer and cider festival at the Worcester racecourse looked like a good bet!



Myself along with Andrew "face" Parsons,Daniel"ratman" Wilson and James "cheesy louisey" Harrison (My nickname is either Fatboy or stupid or even a mixture of the 2) met up in town and headed to the festival that promised Beer ,cider ,food and music and let's be honest, what else do you need ?!  On a seperate note! why is it that gangs of lads feel the need to give each other nicknames? It is certainly the case with me and my friends and almost to the point that if someone calls them their real name i dont straight away know who they are talking about?!

I will say now that from the moment we arrived i was not dissapointed in the slightest ! I went there literally thinking i could have a half of all the ciders they had but the actual truth of it is that if i had i would of had to have been a love child of George Best and Oliver Reed to have survived if i had . There was so much there that you literally couldn't see an end to what seemed to be the London maraton of booze !

The day started off with what i can remember was a Strawberry cider that was made in Malvern and was a modest 6.8%. The 4 of us then had a look around the festival and the variety cider and beer was like no other i had seen before in my life! They had every type of berry infused cider going , they even had traditionally made cider that had a dead rats in it for crying out loud! This place meant business, and one thing Worcestershire and its surrounding areas do well is drink and this was reflected in the magnitued of what was on offer that day! Anyway .. We all took our drinks outside grabbed a seat on the floor and considering i haven't seen these guys in years we just picked up where we left off and the banter was flying around even more than the grass bombs that we were throwing into each others drinks!

We had been there a few hours and the strawberry cider was still going as strongly as the banter when we were joined by The pork, Neathy and his son. Bit of back ground here "The Pork" Chris Park used to kick around with us at school and had more nicknames than anyone else i have known and Chris Neath thinks he is a speedway rider and his son is... his son ! As soon as they rocked up nothing changed and we were just sat around taking the piss out of each other whilst Cheesy Louisey got a bit of a kicking off Neathys son ( I must add that Cheesy had a bad head ache in the morning ,then had a few ciders, and then ends up getting punched in the face by a soon to be 5 yr old kid.. You can take the boy out of Pershore..)

I will add in here that we were having a great day and we had bumped into a lot of people that we hadn't seen for a long time

We had been there for lets say 6 hours and we had been joined by Bill, The Monk and The Thief and at this stage i was pretty drunk but still in control of most of my bodily fuctions and that is when i sat with the Pork and we got chatting..This proved to be a very pivital point in the day .. Me and The Pork used to be the once "Big drinkers" in the group and after chatting for a while i was challanged by him to "down your pint if i down mine!". Now looking back on this moment today i am wondering why every fiber in my body was not saying " dont be a twat Stuart ! you know this is going to end badly !!.. Why are you even listening to this pissed up idiot?. FOR FUCK SAKE DONT BE SUCH A TOOL STUART !!". But instead of hearing any of that all i heard was a challenge, and a challenge i was not going to back down from!!!!! Now for those of you who don't know me i am to say the least, very competetive! and if you throw down a gauntlet you better be ready yourself because i will go at whatever it is with everything i have!. So The Pork picked up his drink( This was a blend of Rats tail cider 7.2% and a grosso medium 7.5%) and he went at it like a pig at a potato and the drink was finished in seconds! At this moment all i was thinking was "you ginger bastard! now i am going to have to drink mine even quicker" . So i duly picked it up and i think i just shaded it which gave me a moment of glory , a moment of elation , a moment of pride, which was then followed by an evening of falling over, playfighting ,losing shoes and then finally losing myself. But having heard what The Pork went through i think i got off lightly. The Pork and i quote" fell over more times than i have ever seen anyone fall over , I can actually make a montage of him falling over in my head" ! and " i have never seen anyone that drunk in my life ! He was cuddling everything he could and if he wasn't cuddling he was falling over" and that along with dancing in his very own brand of blended cider (his sick) which ended up on his face and also laid claim to some poor young lady in making her go arse over tit!. The once fat but forever ginger porky really did make his mark on the festival and by that i mean more than just his arse prints in the floor of the place!

I wanted to finish this with a few pictures of his dimise but can i add that there are better ones out there and i will add them in due course!














This one is just for fun !


                                           Chris " The pork" Park with Daniel "Ratman" Wilson

Also i would like to thank everyone who was out that day as it was a great day to say the least !



Tuesday, 9 August 2011

I predicted a riot !

The London riots! Is it all an excuse to get a new pair of Reebok classic's and a mobile phone ? Or is it the only way the young, frustrated and uneducated get to voice their opinions on the state of a nation ?

Unless you have been sunning yourself on a remote island with no connection with the outside world you will have seen that london is in chaos with youths and gangs running, well... riot! and now they are inconveniencing all the poor people in power by making them cut their holidays short!

With all the coverage i have seen over the last 72 hours i have seen a few interviews and all apart from the political and services persons there has been a running theme, and that theme is in a nut shell you can only push people so far!

We are talking about the youths who are out there committing the rioting offenses and how they have been squeezed by the government so much that they are now an extreme version of how most of us average people feel in the wake of the financial melt down that happened 4 years ago. I am not suggesting that everyone out there is about to suit up and join these thugs but what i am saying is that most of us at the moment are feeling immense pressure just to survive(and also buy lavish stuff i really dont need) and in the face of such an extreme feeling its fight or flight!

All you have to do is look at the facts ......

  • -Employment is hard to come by and keep hold of!
  • -If you are employed i am guessing that most of you dont get an annual increase in income( because employers know you should just be grateful you have a job)?
  • -Power which we rely on is still rising!
  • -The rise in VAT to 20%
  • -The constant rise in duty.

Its getting tougher and tougher to live and that is a fact! I am not suggesting that all of the rioters are products of a modern government! but i am suggesting that if there were more jobs out there or if it wasn't so hard to live in today's England or even if there was more for the youth of today to get involved in then at least half of those people out there wouldn't have been rioting this weekend! Lets face it, the normal average person when happy doesn't have thoughts of petrol bombing innocent people homes, businesses and looting all un sundries ( I will admit that they mainly seem to be targeting sports cloths outlets so they can nick some Reebok classics).But in depression things fester and manifest and then express themselves in destructive ways and that is what i think has happened here to begin with and now it has just escalated into something far more ugly.   

The government aren't totally to blame, as we all know things can only grow so much and then naturally they have to either plateau (if your lucky) or crash and in our case literally burn! As when our country was booming i think we ALL assumed that we would keep growing and that everything would be alright. But you know what they say about assumption being the mother of all fuck ups?!

Just to finish this off i would like to just say that i DON'T agree with what is going on i am merely saying that all riots are a product of the country at the time! All you have to do is look at what happened in Turkey, Greece and Libya to see that( Not that i am suggesting that a lust for leisure wear is to blame in these countries). I would like to think that the rest of us, if this continues? would stand up to this mob and take the streets back along with the police and bring order and peace back where it belongs and that is with the majority not the minority! 


I thought that i should put this link on here! Its a great idea and its a twitter link which is all about helping clean up after the riots so if you want to lend a hand please follow this link , you would be doing a great thing !