Monday, 31 October 2011

Go fuck yourself Great Britain!

Right the time is here ! I am offskiso and wont be blogging til Jan so i have a few words before i leave .....

                                                          ..........Pretty much what the Kid said !

I leave you with this ....................

And then this ..........

Big Love



Tuesday, 25 October 2011

A day of narcissism!

A day in my life and you know what i found out ?.......... I am just as boring as every other twat !

So i got up this morning or should i say got woken up this morning by my young lady whilst she was getting ready for work . Mabs (my girlfriend) is certainly not a morning person, when she is getting ready for work she can create more carnage than the Kraken and make more noise than Death punk Metal band ! So i woke from my slumber and i was pretty pissed off which didn't help with my negotiation with the misses about getting a cuppa brought to me in bed ! So i got my old ass out of bed made MYSELF a brew and sat and watched Fraiser an channel 4. Hes the Jolly Balding fella who was a bit part on Cheers and his show is being given the friends treatment and being repeated over and over and over again until it gets to the point where you want to either ......

A) Kill everyone who ever had anything to do with the show

B) Kill yourself 

After booking flights to America and getting myself on Fraiser and Freind's tours ( option A ) i then went to work. 

Me and my Girlfriend are off on a travelling trip of a lifetime in a couple of days and lets just say my head is not "in the game" at work . I am gayfully strolling around work with my head already on a beach drinking Buckets in Asia ! and this isn't always a good thing when you are dealing with thousonds of pounds of other peoples money! But to put it bluntly i dont give a shit !"

                         Fuck off mate ! I couldn't give a shit about you , my brain is on the beach!

After a day of floating around at work i went home and had curly fries, cheese and beans and sat and watched Battle for L.A which to make this entry a bit more exciting i am going to review

Story line 

Well its about a Bloke who is a marine ( he is a classic American hero been in a lot of battles, has lost a lot of men in a bad last mission sort of shit) and is a bit old so is due to leave the force and retire and fish until he dies (Thats not in the film) .BUT !! aliens invade earth ( for what reason we are not 100% sure but there is a loose tie in with them wanting all of the earths water !) Hence the Bloke gets called back into action and must help lead a team of maries ( full of all of the usual chracatures a fresh out of collage lieutenant who has never seen battle before, a funny one, a crazy one and one who's brother got killed whilst the main bloke was in charge of his platoon and has a chip on his shoulder) firstly to a Police station to save civilions and then after the world .

Acting / writing / dialog

Where to start with this i really dont know . Its terrible fact i feel that this is actually worse than what we saw in Independance Day! You heard me right ! Its cheesier and even more wooden ( please leave out any thoughts of cheesy wood as that is a bit wrong).  I would pickout a scene but there are almost to many to even refere to without feeling bad for leaving another one out. My Favorite line in the movie though has got to be the scene were the main bloke has dragged a half dead alien into a warehouse and they are looking into the best way to kill it and one of the civlians goes up to him and spouts out " Can i help? I am a veterinarian!" . Absolute gold !

Overall rating  1 out of  5

If you took out the bad acting, screen play , special effects , poor storyline and weak cast you wouldn't have a film left at all . I on occasion like bad films (B movies) but this one is far to bad and had far to big a budget for me to even entertain liking it ! Its is not quite as bad as Alone in the Dark but then again what is ? but it is without doubt one of the worst films i have ever seen in my life .


1- Kill me right now   2- I would rather sleep with Heather from Eastenders   3- Not shit   4- Mike strutters strutter bubble    5- The dogs knob  

Please click on the Not shit ( above) and watch it as i dont think i have ever laughed so much / been so disturbed in a long time.

Then after that i went to bed and fell asleep and woke up a couple of times to go to the toilet FML i am getting old!

Friday, 21 October 2011

Fun Police

Well i was in the virtual coffee shop the other day as i was bored out of my small mind when i posted a question i thought would be fun! Mildly offensive yet fun!  But someone (The fun police) didn't!

Right i will build the picture a little .................................

So i am off travelling the world for 3 years in November ( i feel the need to constantly tell everyone this fact) and i am in the last week at work pretty much( as above ), and as the Manager at work i have wangled it so i have nothing to do. So apart from support my fellow team when they need me i am either surfing the net or talking to my best mate in Australia on the phone about how drunk we are going to get when i get there ( On the work phone of course ) .

Whilst surfing the net for a while i thought i would pop my head into the coffee shop and see what the youth of today were talking about ? To be honest most of the times i go in there the conversation is Miserable as fuck deep or shit about fashion ! People asking questions such as ..

                                                       Does anyone just talk about their life?

                                              Is it fair to look prostitute as a bad woman only?

                                                                         "Let Women Die" Act

                                                               United States Of Child-Abuse

  Im adopted and Im greatful are you? lets talk Ive got things to get off my chest, how bout you?

                                           Blogs sharing personal experiences with depression

                                                                  Tell me your thoughts on God

Right i know that a lot of young people and some of us old ones go in there to get shit off your chest which is great, but it all seems a little much ! I mean is the youth of today that down in the dumps and desperate to know answers and opinions on stuff like child abuse and thoughts about God? If so i am glad i am not young anymore that is for sure ! When i was young it was all about setting fire to bins,getting pissed and fingering girls in the park or anywhere for that matter( not much has changed really).

Anyway back to the point (of which is shit but hey i am bored) I decided to post the question ..............

As i have seen that a lot of people are nice and want to tell people what is good about their blog and people flock to these things like gypsies to scrap metal i thought i would go with....Want to know what is shit about your blog ?

I asked this question as i thought it would lighten the mood a little and be funny to rip on people, have the same back and hopefully get a bit of abusive, stupid fun on the go. Some people got involved and i thought here we go this might actually entertain me for a while and then all of a sudden whilst trying to post a comment it started telling me there was some sort of error ?? I thought at first that the page might of crashed because everyone in there wanted to know what i thought was shit about there blog .. I was getting excited about abusing people left right and centre and people thinking that i was hilarious and we could all laugh together at my witty anecdotes about how shit your font, content and take on life is and stuff like that !!

Well my fantasy of being the most popular person in the coffee shop was suddenly shattered when i looked at the top of the screen and it said "Another discussion address this question"! then i started thinking " wow there are 2 of us highly funny people in the coffee shop at the same time talking about the same shit ! Yes " . So i go back in there to have a look as see if i can find this fantastic individual, but can I? .......can i bollocks ! But whilst looking for him i notice that my question has now been moved into some obscure room where i think the last post was back 2009 ! And then it hits me !! Bloody wanky That very sharp mediator deems this inappropriate and has moved me away from everyone else like i had leprosy or something ! Cheeky bastard ! I tried the process several times and again and again the same thing happened ! Even when i softened the question to "Want to know what is pants about your blog?( Revised question as to not upset the fun police) ".

I would and should now fly off into a rant about Bigbrother (not the shitty programme) but then this blog would go on forever but i will say that THEY are everywhere and by they i mean the fun police/ pc brigade/ goverment/ nosey bastards!  It was once again bought to my attention with this whole baby smaking debate that is going on at the moment and i dont even have a child and it getting on my tits. !!! Right i am going to shut up now !

If the fun police are reading this then i would like to congratulate them on doing such a thorough job and keeping knobs like me away from normal society !

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Would you jump into a cage with a fucked off lion?

Well if you read my blog please get a hobbie then you will know that a while ago i wrote a blog on the Gypos on Dale farm.

This morning the police have run in there like rioters in Tottenham! I can tell you something for nothing, it would probably take me a lot more than just wearing a helmet, holding a big shield and being pumped up on cocaine( lets face it all coppers do it ) to be running into the largest gypsie site in the country !! Maybe if i had a chain gun with infinate ammo and a forcefield around me that made me invincible would i even think about it . Not because i want to kill them but because Gypos in general are hard people. They are brought up to fight from a young age and if they are like any of the ones i know they will tear through those riot shields like paper!

                                                            You wanna fight? No thanks!! 

The only reason i would like to be there would be for the comedy of hearing the gypo's offering to fight the police officers for their bootlaces , dog nuts ( doughnuts to you and me ) and threating them with "I'll set me Jook on ya"(dog)!

Maybe the gypsies will play it nice and instead of resorting to just kicking the shit out of the police they may play them at cards, shove halfpenny or dommies first see if they beat the shit out of them or just gentley beat them ?. Who knows what will go on there today but i think that it is safe to say that these people wont give up their homes easily and how can you blame them?! Would you ?, would I? I think not !

No police officers were hurt in the writing of this blog but there will certainly be a few hurt today at Dale farm!

Friday, 14 October 2011

Book Club

And here is my book of the week ! Written by a literary genius! I have no idea what its about but i have this gut feeling i am going to like it!! it's an absolute must have .. Get involved !

                                                               Stocking filler ? You bet your arse !

Thursday, 13 October 2011

My work

I have been working in branding now for about a year and as i am about to leave my job / country soon i thought i would share with you lot some of the best branding exercises i have come across to date ! Well they make me laugh anyway !

                 I would love to know if anyone took their child in there to swap it or to "change" it ?

                               It's the leaning in of the adult figure i think that makes it wrong !

                                                  A safe place for people to molest you ?

                                                  Asians are the best at getting it wrong !

  Research is everything! In Spanish the translation of Pajero means wanker !( Cheers Fozzy)

                                            Expect a bumpy ride if these guys succeed !

                      Me in Singapore and yes i know its terrible but at the time 3/4 lenghts were in !

Oh how i wish i had contributed to the world of branding like these guys have but unfortunatley i am not THAT stupid ! They are at the point of being so bad that it doesn't matter as they are memorable and if you strip back this bullshit business that is what it is all about !

                                             Now a little 1 good ,1 complete an utter shite


                                                                    Utter Shite!
                                                               Fuck off and die Bruno !

Tuesday, 11 October 2011

One has won an award !

Someone, probably of questionable sanity has decided to be kind and give me an award for my blog !

I would like to thank Dirty Cowgirl for this award but i would also like her to ask herself a question ?! Do you not have anything better to do? as lets face it my blog is badly written and full of shite!.

The other 2 newish blogs that she nominated are a lot better than mine and if you find mine even slightly entertaining i suggest that you give these guys a bit of your time as they are really good! they are ...

Vice Versa
One Angry man

Now i am supposed to give you 3 facts about myself and then spread the love/herpes/aids what ever you wnat to call it to seven other "lucky" people but the fact of the matter is i dont know who to bestow this award to ?

I would give one to Dirty Cowgirl ;) but she has already given me one;0 ! Its all very confusing!

I would actually like to give an award to Whitewave92  she deserves more than a blog award but this is all i can give her ! Check her out, she is a good egg but like all women she does go on :) ! 

The rest, if ever, will be dished out later !

Now for 3 random facts about me? Its difficult because i am not really that random/crazy so prepared to be bored!  People seem to have been using other languages to number shit so i am going to play along with this and i choose swahili....

Moja - I ran through a plate glass window and had to have 17 stitches put into my head. ( explains a lot i know).

Mbili - My middle name is Thomas
Tatu - My little toe is a lot smaller than the rest and doesn't bend ! But i was born in worcestershire so i am just lucky they are not webbed!  

Finally i would like to thank DCG again for the award! 

Monday, 10 October 2011

Inspirational quote of the day

Quite simply that !

                      Simple yet effective message and now my new work screen saver !

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

8 things that really burn my grits !

It would / should be 10 things but i felt if i went for 10 then i would have ended up with 20. But then again it is probably 9 but not liking Chris Akabusi just because of his "Allllwwiiiiiiiiiiitte" wasn't enough to make the grade ( but it does really annoy me) !

1) Slow walking and or dithering people

                                                      haawww heee haaww

Since i moved to London i gained this hatred ! These people who are just pottering about unpredictably in front of you whilst your trying to get to that unimportant thingy or place you are meant to be in no particular hurry ! I know that to some people it may sound like i am being unreasonable... these people can also fuck off ( quickly in a non dithering manner)  ! There is something about being stuck behind a a load of french tourists who have no idea of what is going on around them ( and with them being French they probably dont care) that gets my goat no end ! Oh how i would like to insert that French stick where the sun dont shine!

2) Chavs

                  Look over your shoulder if you have been on the Jeremy Kyle show!

We have all come across the little bastards before of that i am sure! They are the ones who play music through their mobile phones on the bus with their mate , they are the ones that ask you "what your looking at" when all your doing is minding your own business . Now then .... at the weekend i went to the park with friends to drink cider and enjoy the last of the sun and by us some chavs were playing football  , there were a few near misses and then the ball came over a hit me in the back. I turned round and threw the ball back to him and this little prick didn't

A) Apologise
B) Say thank you for me throwing the ball back

To say that this pissed me off is one of the biggest understatments i will ever make! When i was growing up i was a little bastard but i was always apologetic and polite when i should be, this chav punk is exactly that. So when the ball came over again and i then just held the ball and didn't throw it back he desides that now is the time to converse with me " oi throw me my fucking ball back dick head " . At this stage i am smiling and say "of course dick head" so i then launch the ball as far as i can into the middle of the near by lake which to my satisfaction is a good 75m in and well out of their reach !.

He and his chums then come over to give me the news that they aren't very impressed with my antics and they wish fisty cuff's to commence! But the thing with these little annoyences is that when you dont just roll over they dispurse like flys from a cow pat ! So after confronting several chavs and winning mearly by challenging them i then run off change my under crackers and bask in my glory as the now self named " Chav Terminator".

3) X Factor contestants 

I am like 16 and i haven't won the x factor yet !! Feel sorry for me and my difficult life!

I am lucky enough to have a girlfriend but i am unlucky in the way that she fecking loves X factor ! Now i dont mind everything about it .... I think i might not mind the adverts inbetween, but what really get's on my bristols are the contestants.. I hate the way that they all cry all the fecking time and the way they all have a "story" Like i am singing this song for my little brothers , best mates 2nd cousin's mum who stubbed her toe the other day !!!!!!!! AAARRRRRGGGGGGGG ! Like i give a fuck about you and how you got a C in R.E gcse (I know to many acronyms) and you wanted to prove to the world you not a failure ! The show would only be good if at the end they could all lose , all cry together whilst in the knowledge that their little brothers , best mates 2nd cousin's mum who stubbed her toe actually lost her nail. Harsh i know !

4) Jeremy Kyle 

Where to start with this one really ? .................. Oh i know , the man himself ! This is a man who , day to day pops out with " you'll be quiet , its my name above your head, its my show and you WILL listen to what i have to say " and this is when he is in Mcdonalds trying to order a Nugget meal and the poor employee only asked if he wanted to go large for an extra 20p?! . This is a man who started off as car salesman and became so inflated by his amazingness and ability to talk complete and utter bollcks , managed to dupe radio chiefs into giving him airtime and now he is shouting  (giving it to them straight as he calls it) at the dregs of society ( of this i am more envious ) on T.v . Surely the rest of society should be doing all they can to stop an idiot giving "advice" to other idiots ?! The only thing that comforts me is that the King of the Idiots is heading over to the States and there he will be surrounded by his own kind and he will hopefully NEVER come back ! 

5) Moves Like Jagger song by Maroon 5

The whole thing fucks me off ( apart from Mick Jagger ) from the song itself, the band who toured with the same album for 7 years and especially that toss pot of a lead singer with his shit tattoos ! FUCK OFF and die Marron 5 ,stop wasting air/time ! 

6) Wheely Baggage ( and their carriers ) 

It may look sweet but it is actually a ( C )aravan's ( U )ngodly ( N )ew ( T )outure Bag!

They are handy , easy to use and.... incredably annoying ! The number of times these things have cut me up and/or ran over my feet is to many to mention ! And what is even more irritating is the drivers of these satan bags dont really give two fucks if they have just broken your toe! in fact, they are quite smug in the knowledge that it is their god given right to do so as an owner of a satan bag! I think of these things like a human version of the Caravan, but with more, i couldn't give a fuck who i piss off air about them ! But dont despair just yet their is action we can all take !!! The next time one runs/ cuts you up, all you have to do is give it the old Jonny Wilkinson and launch that bag as far as you can !! A word of warning though don't kick them if you are in bare feet as you may break your foot and look like a twat ! In this instance all you have to do is literally stand on them, and with any luck you will break the handle and hopefully the carriers arm!

7) People who put their life story as their Facebook status

                                                     Caleb always was a card !

I am a little wary of putting this up as i know that there is a serious side to this but what the hell !! I know your going through a hard time and honestly i really do feel for you ... really i do ... but do you really think that it is appropiate or even of interest to tell everyone that you want to cut / kill yourself through your FB status ??!! I mean all you really look like is a sad twat who wants attention as well all know your not actually going to do anything ! I had 2 FB friends who constantly did this and i eventually kicked them because my feeling sorry for them morphed into embarrasment, then into rage and i felt that my rage partnered with their constant need for attention would have been a bit like putting Osama Bin larden in a room full of american patriots ( not good either way ) !  If you have problem see a fecking councilor.    

8) Gobby Yids and Mancs

1 word ....Wankers,cunts,bastards! The choice is yours! (Click to read as i have already written a piece on this)

If i you have made it this far you must be either very bored with life or full of hate ! I think you deserve a pint either way and whilst you are there i feel you should contemplate life !