Tuesday, 4 October 2011

8 things that really burn my grits !

It would / should be 10 things but i felt if i went for 10 then i would have ended up with 20. But then again it is probably 9 but not liking Chris Akabusi just because of his "Allllwwiiiiiiiiiiitte" wasn't enough to make the grade ( but it does really annoy me) !

1) Slow walking and or dithering people

                                                      haawww heee haaww

Since i moved to London i gained this hatred ! These people who are just pottering about unpredictably in front of you whilst your trying to get to that unimportant thingy or place you are meant to be in no particular hurry ! I know that to some people it may sound like i am being unreasonable... these people can also fuck off ( quickly in a non dithering manner)  ! There is something about being stuck behind a a load of french tourists who have no idea of what is going on around them ( and with them being French they probably dont care) that gets my goat no end ! Oh how i would like to insert that French stick where the sun dont shine!

2) Chavs

                  Look over your shoulder if you have been on the Jeremy Kyle show!

We have all come across the little bastards before of that i am sure! They are the ones who play music through their mobile phones on the bus with their mate , they are the ones that ask you "what your looking at" when all your doing is minding your own business . Now then .... at the weekend i went to the park with friends to drink cider and enjoy the last of the sun and by us some chavs were playing football  , there were a few near misses and then the ball came over a hit me in the back. I turned round and threw the ball back to him and this little prick didn't

A) Apologise
B) Say thank you for me throwing the ball back

To say that this pissed me off is one of the biggest understatments i will ever make! When i was growing up i was a little bastard but i was always apologetic and polite when i should be, this chav punk is exactly that. So when the ball came over again and i then just held the ball and didn't throw it back he desides that now is the time to converse with me " oi throw me my fucking ball back dick head " . At this stage i am smiling and say "of course dick head" so i then launch the ball as far as i can into the middle of the near by lake which to my satisfaction is a good 75m in and well out of their reach !.

He and his chums then come over to give me the news that they aren't very impressed with my antics and they wish fisty cuff's to commence! But the thing with these little annoyences is that when you dont just roll over they dispurse like flys from a cow pat ! So after confronting several chavs and winning mearly by challenging them i then run off change my under crackers and bask in my glory as the now self named " Chav Terminator".

3) X Factor contestants 

I am like 16 and i haven't won the x factor yet !! Feel sorry for me and my difficult life!

I am lucky enough to have a girlfriend but i am unlucky in the way that she fecking loves X factor ! Now i dont mind everything about it .... I think i might not mind the adverts inbetween, but what really get's on my bristols are the contestants.. I hate the way that they all cry all the fecking time and the way they all have a "story" Like i am singing this song for my little brothers , best mates 2nd cousin's mum who stubbed her toe the other day !!!!!!!! AAARRRRRGGGGGGGG ! Like i give a fuck about you and how you got a C in R.E gcse (I know to many acronyms) and you wanted to prove to the world you not a failure ! The show would only be good if at the end they could all lose , all cry together whilst in the knowledge that their little brothers , best mates 2nd cousin's mum who stubbed her toe actually lost her nail. Harsh i know !

4) Jeremy Kyle 

Where to start with this one really ? .................. Oh i know , the man himself ! This is a man who , day to day pops out with " you'll be quiet , its my name above your head, its my show and you WILL listen to what i have to say " and this is when he is in Mcdonalds trying to order a Nugget meal and the poor employee only asked if he wanted to go large for an extra 20p?! . This is a man who started off as car salesman and became so inflated by his amazingness and ability to talk complete and utter bollcks , managed to dupe radio chiefs into giving him airtime and now he is shouting  (giving it to them straight as he calls it) at the dregs of society ( of this i am more envious ) on T.v . Surely the rest of society should be doing all they can to stop an idiot giving "advice" to other idiots ?! The only thing that comforts me is that the King of the Idiots is heading over to the States and there he will be surrounded by his own kind and he will hopefully NEVER come back ! 

5) Moves Like Jagger song by Maroon 5

The whole thing fucks me off ( apart from Mick Jagger ) from the song itself, the band who toured with the same album for 7 years and especially that toss pot of a lead singer with his shit tattoos ! FUCK OFF and die Marron 5 ,stop wasting air/time ! 

6) Wheely Baggage ( and their carriers ) 

It may look sweet but it is actually a ( C )aravan's ( U )ngodly ( N )ew ( T )outure Bag!

They are handy , easy to use and.... incredably annoying ! The number of times these things have cut me up and/or ran over my feet is to many to mention ! And what is even more irritating is the drivers of these satan bags dont really give two fucks if they have just broken your toe! in fact, they are quite smug in the knowledge that it is their god given right to do so as an owner of a satan bag! I think of these things like a human version of the Caravan, but with more, i couldn't give a fuck who i piss off air about them ! But dont despair just yet their is action we can all take !!! The next time one runs/ cuts you up, all you have to do is give it the old Jonny Wilkinson and launch that bag as far as you can !! A word of warning though don't kick them if you are in bare feet as you may break your foot and look like a twat ! In this instance all you have to do is literally stand on them, and with any luck you will break the handle and hopefully the carriers arm!

7) People who put their life story as their Facebook status

                                                     Caleb always was a card !

I am a little wary of putting this up as i know that there is a serious side to this but what the hell !! I know your going through a hard time and honestly i really do feel for you ... really i do ... but do you really think that it is appropiate or even of interest to tell everyone that you want to cut / kill yourself through your FB status ??!! I mean all you really look like is a sad twat who wants attention as well all know your not actually going to do anything ! I had 2 FB friends who constantly did this and i eventually kicked them because my feeling sorry for them morphed into embarrasment, then into rage and i felt that my rage partnered with their constant need for attention would have been a bit like putting Osama Bin larden in a room full of american patriots ( not good either way ) !  If you have problem see a fecking councilor.    

8) Gobby Yids and Mancs

1 word ....Wankers,cunts,bastards! The choice is yours! (Click to read as i have already written a piece on this)

If i you have made it this far you must be either very bored with life or full of hate ! I think you deserve a pint either way and whilst you are there i feel you should contemplate life ! 


  1. Caleb is a fucking hero !
    If this is someone you know IRL next time you see him let him have my pint.
    And don't get me started on the fucking french.

  2. Isn't he ! No he isn't a real friend i actually found it on another bloggers page and i just had to use it !

    Cheers for the herpes award but i must say the others are all pretty damn good ! After your reccomendation i will try and up my game !

  3. i found that jeremy kyle video entertaining for some reason :)

  4. Maybe your a closet fan ? ;) I did as well to be fair !

  5. You have Jeremy Kyle, we have Jerry Springer. You have the X Factor, we have the X Factor. You gave us Mick Jagger, we gave you Madonna. We have Al Gore, you have......uh....WE have Al Gore.
    We win?

  6. The facebook statuses really get me.

  7. @Penwasser .... you say potato and i say potato , you say tomato and i say tomato, potato potato tomato tomato , lets call the whole thing off !! It doesn't really work so well when its not sung by the musical genius Louis Armstrong ! P.s we have got Dale Wintern ... Check mate !

    @ Allen .. Glad your feeling the hatred my friend !